One day, at work, as I was carrying out various job-related routines, I felt a sudden drop in my energy level and a noticeable amount of agitation. Prior to arriving at work, my energy level was great. I had strength and ease for the duration of my morning activities and I felt peaceful. So, why the sudden change?
I started by trying to figure out what had happened. I questioned how I could have shifted from being fine a short time earlier to my current state of fatigue and bother. My initial efforts to think my way through to figure out why I felt weak, tired, and bothered, led me nowhere. At this point, blaming an assortment of circumstances for what I was experiencing seemed like the best course of action. It turned out it wasn't.
It then occurred to me to stop "trying" to figure out what had happened. I began moving beyond the surface questions I'd been asking as well as letting go of the many theories I started forming. I wasn't getting very far anyway with my initial efforts to understand what I was REALLY feeling.
I knew I was tired.
I knew I was bothered.
What I didn't really know was why.
For as long as I can remember, I've had a tendency to grin and bear it in many areas of my life. I've tried to fit myself into a neat, likeable, "good" package -- to the point where I quiet the voice inside of me that has something to say or share. So much so that I even lose track of how to hear what’s really in and on my heart. Or, if I do hear it, I disregard it to adjust myself to the way I think I should be. This habit has also kept me disconnected from feeling what I truly want. Trust me, I don't recommend this.
On this day, however, I felt less inhibited and more interested in getting out from under the weight of bother and fatigue. I felt less inclined to edit myself and the thoughts that were coming up. And, I didn't want to confine myself inside the mental box I've often put myself in of trying to be good or do good.
I decided to allow myself to be unhappy -- which I was!!
I allowed myself to complain -- which I did!!
And, I allowed myself to get into a space where what was up came out, even though it wasn't packaged in a nice and neat way. I gave myself permission to not quiet this voice that had something to say.
And this is what it said….
"Here I am, AGAIN! Here I am doing what I don't want to be doing! I'm bored, bothered, physically tired, and mentally exhausted!
BEEN THERE!! DONE THAT!!"
And on I went...
As I continued to let this voice "speak"… as I let it out without edit or disregard, something happened. I took note of what I was saying and was immediately struck by it in a way I wasn't expecting. I saw, in a moment of quiet, that all that I had just vented wasn't actually true!!
It was partially true. But it wasn't wholly true.
Yes, it was true that I had little physical and mental energy all of a sudden.
Yes, it was true that I wasn't happy doing what I was doing and where I was doing it.
And, yes, it was true that it was late morning on a Thursday.
But what wasn't true, was the "fact" that this was happening all over again.
I HAD NEVER BEEN THERE, DONE THAT before!
I had never been in that exact, precise place, space and time before! I thought I had. I was acting as if I had. I had the habit of thinking I had been there before, but this "before" was elusive. Having been there PREVIOUSLY had nothing to do with NOW. I was taking my past experiences and automatically merging them into this particular day, time, and place.
And yet, it was a new day.
A new time.
A new experience filled with plenty of new moments that have never, ever happened before!
I was stuck in a time/space loop carrying my history of my past experiences into what I was defining as NOW. And so, I wasn't REALLY there. I was physically there. I was mentally there. But I wasn't TRULY there. I was crammed in a corner of my mind, existing habitually, and moving and thinking erroneously.
Wow... what a relief to realize that I had never been there before! When I saw this, the shift was immediate. I felt completely different.
Seeing this ...truly seeing this, gave me an experience of being transported into a whole new world where space and time melted into what felt like nothingness. A state of allowing and being. A remembrance of now.
Suddenly, all that was tiring wasn't! Suddenly, all I had been complaining about left, not only my physical experience, but my mental one too. Suddenly, I had energy!
And, suddenly, I felt happy!
God designed us to be joyful naturally. Happiness is inherent in our being. There is nothing we need to do to experience it. Nothing we have to earn, fix, or get. However, happiness arises from using our mind as God designed it to be used: to access the now in the midst of our experience of the material world and events that occur within it.... Login as member to read the whole commentary