Writing offers a level of reflection that just doesn’t occur any other way. When I chose to write about seeing my horse, Rose, early one evening instead of going to tango, I chose to write it because I felt it important and worthwhile to share. It was a very clear example of what it’s like to follow our inner authentic inclinations, and also showed how this inner “voice” is part of some beneficent and omniscient perspective that I do not personally have but that I can nonetheless align with if I accurately discern and trust to follow my authentic joyful desires. Very important to share, in my opinion.
The act of writing this experience down opened up a whole other ride. In order to write, I feel each aspect and step of the experience I am writing about. Through feeling, I find just the right words to accurately and honestly capture the experience for sharing. When I see clearly (through feeling), it really feels like there is only one word choice for each thing I’m trying to say… one word or set of words that satisfies my intention to be explicitly honest.
Anyway, undergoing this slow, feeling, magnifying-glass process with this evening experience with Rose, showed me something inside the experience that I had overlooked while experiencing it. Through writing, I discovered that, without thinking about it, my feeling sense is now an integral part of how I move and make decisions. It wasn’t always this way… not by a long shot. I learned from a young age, like we all do, to judge what I think things are from the filing cabinet in my head, of images and meaning stored from my previous experiences and learning.
Starting from this mental habit, when I learned about giving up judgment and instead using feeling in the now to discern my experiences, I wanted to transition …to learn this feeling skill. As a byproduct of my perspective at the time, I reflected on myself as a self-image: all the definitions I gave myself from judging myself. These definitions were like clothes that hung on my body and gave unique personality to the human animal I saw myself as. And as this ego animal, I tried to do feeling as a skill. Whenever I focused on this feeling skill, I felt a sense of reaching and strain to add something to my body-self that was not inherently there. Like I reached outside my ego self to do it well. And always I believed that failure was a 50% likelihood.
From writing this evening of tango with Rose, my feeling magnifying-glass showed me a reality about my feeling sense that was different than how I had always looked at it. In my writing-process reflections, I observed that my feeling sense was always operating, without me having to consciously focus to turn it on or something. Was I omniscient through feeling? No. But I saw that I was trusting my feeling sense as the way to navigate my daily experience without thinking about it… the way to discern my next move through feeling what I wanted intuitively, not emotionally or from repeating things that worked in the past.
What really made this clear to me actually, was shopping in the grocery store after caring for Rose that evening. I had no idea that I had come to use my feeling sense even just to shop until that night in the local grocery store when I couldn’t shop because grief that hadn’t risen to the surface yet, had absconded my ability to feel. Under the pressure of time, I tried harder to make grocery decisions, and all this did was bring tears to the surface because, as it turns out, the way I shop is to feel what I want. So to shop harder, I dug deeper into my feeling sense, which at the time was occupied with emotions. And so shopping harder accelerated the next step in feeling, which at that moment was to feel the emotions that were coming up.
From observing, through writing, how integrated my feeling sense had become to how I move throughout my day, I experienced a change in how I see myself. I now see how feeling works. I see how I work. I came to grips with the fact that I am a feeling being. My inner image of a body-centered sense of self that tries with effort to attain skillful intuitive feeling by reaching for it and failing often, evaporated. In its place, I now know myself as an inherently feelingful entity whose normal way of functioning is to take something in to my feeling sense to experience its essence to articulate and know its nature.
Is it a perfect system (in my execution of it)? No. Do I get confused along the way? Sure. But the earth shifted in my sense of self. Where I used to reach out-of-balance for this feeling experience and fear failure, now I know that feeling is just part of who and what I am. I feel a new sense of ownership and confidence. Now instead of looking outward in my mind to add this feeling sensitivity to myself, I look within because I know that I already am it. Or rather, it is part of what I am. So now, I greet the day differently with this different sense of self. Instead of saying to myself, “Can I feel now?” I say, “Okay, what am I feeling now?”
In this piece, we see an increment of one super-important facet of spiritual unfoldment: ascension. Ascension is moving the needle of one’s sense of self closer to our Christ nature. Our sense of self is the subconscious product of how we think and everything we believe about the nature of self and reality. It runs in the background while we engage our day-to-day. Very typically, it goes largely or completely unnoticed and unreflected upon almost all of the time. We take what we see self is, for granted because we don’t have to do anything to achieve it; we already are it. As compared with things like eating, working, and going out with friends, that don’t happen at all without our attention. In our modern culture, if our sense of self does get our attention, it is usually... Login as member to read the whole explication