I recently ran across an article called The Female Price of Male Pleasure. It discussed something I had not ever personally thought about, but realized I had most definitely experienced: a disconnect between female sexual pleasure and male sexual pleasure. What the article sensitively and intelligently pointed out is that the measurement of male sexual pleasure rates on a scale of whether the experience was satisfying or not, and how satisfying it was. Whereas for women, the scale on which the experience is measured is whether she got through the experience without pain… and all too often, actually experiencing sexual pleasure is more of a bonus.
The article explored double standards in our culture that prepare men and women to adopt these different scales per their gender. I found the article worth sharing because I found that it was exposing for me some of the ego programming I had to find freedom from on my journey to wholeness, and I knew this would be true for many other people as well.
And I thought that was that. Both men and women appreciated the article, and commented on my post, and from this, a comment conversation ensued with a female friend of mind. I will call her Hope. Actually, she was having a dialogue with another woman friend of mine. I will call her Charity. Charity was saying to mind the length of your skirt and don’t put up with inappropriate advances, and how she couldn’t relate to women quietly tolerating inappropriate attention from men. Hope returned with pointing out that it doesn’t matter what the length of your skirt is, it doesn’t mean anything about whether a man is allowed to touch a woman with sexual intent without her consent. It is not an invitation. Charity seemed to get a little ruffled, commenting with “Know your audience” and “Best wishes.”
I sat quietly with this and let it be. I didn’t want my friends to fight, but I didn’t see how I could add anything truly helpful to the mix at that point. So it seemed the right move for me was to just let them have their own experience without adding my two cents.
Some hours later, a third woman friend… let’s call her Faith… chimed in that the problem with allowing the idea that the length of a woman’s skirt is a valid factor in whether she receives inappropriate attention or not, is that it leaves room for subjective interpretation of what length is provocative or not… which leaves room for a guy to blame his inappropriate actions on the woman’s clothes.
I felt moved at that point to share my own thoughts about how inappropriate advances with sexual intent are expressions of sexual immaturity, or emotional immaturity when it comes to the area of relating with others intimately and with sexual energy. This type of immaturity is expressed by both men and women; but so often, women experience male immaturity in this area as expressed in inappropriate advances and worse. And I added that if society actually widely viewed this as immaturity, then maybe men would feel personally embarrassed to display this kind of inappropriate behavior. And wouldn’t that be nice. And that humanity as a whole has a lot of growing up to do.
Hope returned with disagreement. Well, agreement AND disagreement. Her counterpoint was that there are some behaviors that can be called immature because they are just annoying and not truly harmful. Like catcalling. And some women even like that, so guys could be confused about whether catcalling is appropriate or not. But touching another person with sexual intent without consent, is not immature… it’s criminal. And she added that she had worked around many men who were fairly sexist, but not a one of them had ever touched her inappropriately because they knew morally not to go there.
As I wrote her back, something deeply transformative happened. I started out by writing that I agreed with her completely but also agreed with myself because I was looking at immaturity from the angle of being a deep spiritual-psychological problem. But as I continued to put my thoughts down in response to her, I asked myself… okay, well, yes, that behavior is criminal. And would I call the criminal behavior or, for instance, a psychopath immature? Well, I realized, it doesn’t quite hit the spot. “Twisted” is more like it. And so the next thing I wrote was that actually, I agreed with her more than with myself earlier… Immaturity is not enough to really capture the psychological state that leads to violating another person’s will… man to woman or otherwise. When a man thinks it’s somehow okay for him to touch a woman with sexual intent without consent, he is actually exhibiting mental illness.
And whoohhh… when this occurred in my mind… when I arrived at the conclusion that the inappropriate male attention that I have received over so many years of my life, was actually a display of mental illness on the part of these men, suddenly energy started to move and clear deeply all over my being. I had to breathe deeply to help it move and clear. And I felt such balance and freedom and wholeness flowing in to replace this subtle energy of weak, guilty-feeling, unlovable but used sense of self. Wow!! It’s amazing how deep these issues live in our psyche. I have been walking the planet as an independent and emotionally-balanced woman for years. And yet this was still buried in my psyche, waiting to heal… and still putting its energy pattern into the beacon of my energy field and the water of my body, oppressing me quietly.
I even saw how this pattern existed in my love relationships… where I nearly always struggled with compromise in love making… because I felt pressure from his sense of needing sexual pleasure, and catered to that because I thought I should as part of a loving contract. But I only did this because my idea of love was also twisted. I believed I needed love from him, so I traded my emotional comfort of having him as “my love” for his emotional comfort of getting nookie. Sometimes. Don’t get me wrong… I also wanted to be intimate. But again, my scale of a nice sexual experience was far different than his, like the article expressed so accurately. I had caring partners who had wanted to treat me well in the domain of intimate pleasure; but I also found it very complex and confusing to navigate my own experience in this area, and therefore so hard to communicate with my partner about it. And so he filled in the gaps of his knowledge about me with what pleasured him. And there we were, having an experience like what the article described.
As the energy of this ugly pattern cleared… and cleared… and cleared, while I lay on the couch just breathing, I started to be able to see a vision of love relationship that I had long believed in before but just couldn’t see as clearly before as I could now… One where my partner and I both prioritize connecting with love within our own hearts, and NEVER entertain needing one another to do something for us for our emotional comfort or pleasure… or never entertain doing something inauthentic because we think we should for whatever reason is going through our head. Where we prioritize communication and understanding between us as the basis of intimacy.
Subconscious beliefs generate thought patterns and energy patterns that we emit from our minds. But we don’t know it, because these patterns blend into the way we see our self and our reality. So the subconscious belief affects the way we see, but we think what we see is just the way things are. It takes contrast to help us notice the patterns we are carrying around in our subconscious. Login as member to read the whole explication