Since my last writing, it has been significantly more natural for me to remain in feeling touch with my core. This is specifically because, in my last writing, pieces that I had wrong for decades I put together correctly at last. I recognized that imaging… my own thought process of imaging, is the direct cause of my core-wound anger.
And for those who don’t know: by imaging, I am referring to the everyday thought process that goes on right behind our eyes… where subconscious beliefs and an internal emptiness drive us to run and be run by a constant internal movie of placing meaning on our experiences. The meaning we place is just how we try to understand our experiences in terms of what we already know or rather believe to be true, from the past. It’s dredged up from memory and plastered over the unknown with imagination. This thought process gives us plenty of emotion to feel in reaction to the drama in our movie; but it steals our ability to feel our native connection with divine Love and Truth in our core. We do this imaging thought process every day all day long with no recognition that we are doing anything at all, let alone the harm we cause ourselves by doing it. I can see it now because I’ve worked at studying, understanding, and seeing this in my own experience for years. I did this because I recognized this discipline to be the way to hack the padlock on the door to freedom within my own being. And now I’ve finally figured out the combination on the lock… and I’m sharing it with you, in hopes that it will help you hack your own padlock.
Up ‘til two days ago (and I’m 39), particularly in the area of romance, I would:
Image what I want or think I should do as how to relate to myself
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Then act on my images as how to relate to others
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Develop attachments or emotional investments where circumstances or experiences tempted me to have conviction or hope that my wants could be realized
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Develop deep disappointments when these investments didn’t pan out
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And then feel overlooked and neglected by God for so much time passing with so many shortfalls and failures around achieving my ideal of love that I supposedly deserve to experience but apparently don’t get to.
In this string of cause and effect, I thought the disappointments were the direct cause of my anger.
Spiritual elders recommended to me that I stop relating to myself and others through imaging, and stop developing attachments to certain ideas of outcome. I could see the sense of this. I was forcing the river… trying to control things to fit with my imaging thoughts. I put my mind to work at these recommendations as best I could. I thought, if I stop imaging and having an agenda, and rely on intuitive feeling, energetic grounding, and inner knowing to guide how I relate with others, then I’ll be working with God and will finally find my way into the love relationship I’ve always wanted and that I trust God to give me. And so, I took heart and, like practicing golf swings, I started to try to get this freedom-from-imaging-and-agendas thing right… so I could have the relationship I’d always wanted. Eh-hmm.
I didn’t yet recognize the agenda embedded in my logic. I wasn’t really giving up my imaging, my agenda, and my control-head. I was just trying to work the skills of a spiritual walk to get my ego desires met. But I didn’t see that yet. I was very sincere in my practice. And as they say, sincerity is no guarantee for Truth. Truth will keep your soul safe. Sincerity can very well set you up for emotional disaster from misplaced earnestness.
And so it was with me. Try as I might with spiritual principles and skills, to land the love relationship for which I yearned, STILL I was disappointed. STILL every disappointment was added to my grievance with God. STILL I saw the disappointments as the cause of my anger.
I tried to apply patience and diplomacy. I tried to explain to myself that God loved me and I just wasn’t getting it right. And so instead of angry, I felt weary… weary of a long road of tests. My anger went underground behind a thin veil where I only felt a twinge of resentment that God was so picky. But supposedly, God is abundant and impartial, not picky. And so supposedly, it’s my fault. I don’t know how to work the divine slot machine just right yet.
This really was my attitude for years. And I did my best to cease imaging and cease designing ideas of outcome. But while I had moments of success, I was never free of the temptation to view myself and my love target through the filter of my programming. And I just couldn’t get my heart out of the way of painful disappointments.
Until two days ago… when I saw deep enough to realize that it was how I related to myself from imaging that made me angry.
Since then, I have seen clear to treasuring the feeling of my own core, and letting the thought process of imaging stand aside.
This is very new for me. I feel different. I feel happy. It’s a very self-contained happiness. It does not turn the corners of my mouth up. It does keep me perfectly comfortable in myself during silences in company or periods of waiting on the business of others before the next activity occurs… times when I would’ve otherwise felt self-conscious and awkward, like I’m taking up too much space just existing.
In this space of core connection, my self-experience is quiet but occupying. Holding a listening sense to my core, is both still and active. It is like holding my ear to a vertical core in my heart and listening to the heavenly notes of a harp that is always playing something lovely even when it has nothing in particular to say. But in the analogy, this lovely music is not auditory. By holding my ear pressed to my core, the sound is conducted through bone. I hear it because I feel it. It is never broadcasted. To hear it, I must press my listening sense against it. And then it radiates within me, and its lovely vibrations make me feel rooted and solid… still… peaceful.
In arriving at my new understanding of how imaging within my own mind suppresses my own ability to feel and express from my heart, and thereby directly instigates my original rage …and in light of that, arriving at a total commitment to let imaging stand aside from my own sensitivity to my own heart, I recognize now that I will never have the relationship I’ve always hoped for.
This is not a sad, defeated submission. This is a parting in the road. I see that the romantic partnership that I have held in my hope chest, is an image. I pursue it by imaging, I will carry it out by imaging, and if I attain it, both its pursuit and its glory will only serve to distract from and suppress my relationship with my own heart. And therefore, it will really only make me more angry. And so, I will never have the romance I always wanted because I am walking away from the fundamental thought system that made that relationship a goal and a possibility and an entity in my mind. And at this split in the road, I walk a way where that entity ceases to exist. I do not know what relationship really looks like.
Prequel: Soul Rage: Wrestling the Ego's Idea of Love
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The ego’s idea of love gives rise to love-hate relationships. We all grow up forming an ego idea of love. This is because we all grow up using the thought process of imaging until we learn how to grow beyond it… if we learn to grow beyond it. We are all designed with an inherent connection to Love in our core; so we know in our soul that Love is a real experience we are meant to have. But the thought process of imaging (looking at our world and ourselves via intellect, memory, and imagination as the primary faculties of our thinking) conceals the place in our mind where we naturally feel our native connection to Love, by distracting us from it. Thus we seek to understand love, which we know to be real, in terms of the sense we can make of it through our imaging thoughts.... Login as member to read the whole explication